What do you think of this story, what do i need to work on?

Your very detailed which is great, however u have to work on your grammar and spelling, eg. U said 'since me and Ashley...' wheras u should've said " Ashley and I" just small things like that will improve ur writing but overall I think it's really good, I really want to know what happens now, the rhetorical questions at the end of the paragraph is great, GoodLuck, hope I helped ;)